True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
