Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
