Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Pooping to opera.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
