so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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