Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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