I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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