If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
