My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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