You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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