Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
