mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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