dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
