I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
