im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
