Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
