Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
