someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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