I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize