Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
3pm strippers are depressing
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize