How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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