sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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