You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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