so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
