Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
