R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize