You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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