If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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