I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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