I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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