she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
