He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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