My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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