I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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