Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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