He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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