smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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