Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
