I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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