The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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