I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
