textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
