my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
