Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
