my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
