Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
