we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
