Just took my morning after pill in the library
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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