ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
