swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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