Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
