false alarm. still invincible.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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