If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
