i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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