thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think a kid would responsible me up
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
