is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
