why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
