had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
