Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
