shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
