I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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