She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
