Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
