I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
