Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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