all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
All the doctor said was why
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
