Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
